I have been on the brink of posting this blog a few times in the past couple of weeks. I’ve deleted it revised it and started from scratch. Mostly because it’s a controversial topic, that has been on my mind lately. I was going to title this one “Mission at Hand” or even “Forward Motion” but even as I am typing this I am not sure what I want to title it.
As I sit here right now I just finished nibbling on a piece of chocolate, I am about to eat my grapefruit and I just refilled my water cup. All of this sums me up in a nutshell. If you know me you understand right off the back…
Two years ago I was on medication for being a border lined Diabetic, when I started the mission to change that, I stopped drinking sugary drinks, actually I only drink water now. Occasionally I might have a coke- as in I’ve had one coke so far this year. The grapefruit it’s my breakfast these days, as I’ve started to “watch” my calorie intake because I am on the mission to lose a few more lbs. (I’ll cover more on that later) and my little piece of chocolate because I can’t say no to chocolate. :) There is something in my being that is just enamored with chocolate it runs in my family and if you had any sense you would never say no to a good piece of chocolate, real thick frothy hot chocolate on a cold day, a good piece of chocolate cake or an amazing chocolate chip cookie. I know what you are thinking; the chocolate just threw a wrench in the whole healthy thing. To me it didn't, it’s just part of my daily struggle and some days it’s a walk in the park others the struggle is real and other days when the clean eating and healthy wagon gets in the cross roads with really good food that was baked or fried and makes you lick your fingers… I’ll push you off the wagon right along with me.
|I'd have to think that chocolate still taste better.
About a year ago I was having a conversation with a beautiful thin good looking woman and somehow the word “brownie” was mentioned and she said “oh brownie…I haven’t had one of those in like five years”. I walked away a bit shocked. I went to my best friend’s house that night and I said “why would anyone ever do that to themselves? And my bestie answered “Girl, I don’t know – that’s just crazy!”
Alllllllll of this because of blogs or articles or even meme’s that are fighting the “being fat is greatness” or “being skinny is the bomb.com” I hate seeing both of these and even more I dislike people getting behind one bandwagon or the other like it’s a blanket for every fat person or every thin person. Every person out there is different - NOT one of us has the same health issues, self-esteem, emotions of anxiety, confidence, etc... – Not all of us love our selves like we should.
I feel like I have always loved my self even at my heaviest – I may not have been happy with my self at my heaviest but I loved my self, none the less. Does that make sense? This is why at my heaviest when I looked at the picture that made my jaw drop and something click – A picture that we took on our trip to Angle Fire New Mexico where my size 16 (almost size 18) self was bundled up in layers of warm clothes and jackets smiling alongside my friends and I didn’t recognized who that was staring back at me… the inside me didn’t match the outside me.
I am happy right now being a size 10(ish), I have found a happy place running and exercising, the friends that surround me right now and my family are great and encouraging. I am in love with something else now too (other than chocolate) my body. I am strong! I can run! I can do stuff I never thought I could do! I am training to do a pull up right now - don’t laugh! I just happen to have most of my weight on my bottom half and it makes for a complicated pull-up!! BUT I want to do more!! Here are two bucket list items for you – I want to go rock climbing and I want to go paddle boarding. Have you ever done either of those?? Teach me!
Where was I going with this… if being overweight is standing in your way from being, happy, healthy and able – well don’t stand behind the “fat is awesome” front runner. Is being skinny causing you to be unhealthy (eating disorders), obsessive and unhappy – get out of that line too! Find your happy place!! One blogger wrote “Happiness does not require thinness. Fatness does not presume sadness.” But what does it do for you?
So why do I want to lose a few more lbs, because I want to. Really because I’d like to run a marathon at least one in my “Running in Faith” life time and after running the half back in January I know for certain that I need to lose a few more pounds – it will not be etched in stone that when I lose that weight, that it won’t find its way back (LOL) but I know I’ll run a better and stronger marathon by doing this. I am okay with that. I am a girl, I still look in the mirror and don’t like the lumps and bulge I see sometimes but you know what I’m okay with that too. As a girl I am prone to seeing imperfections in myself all the time but I refuse to obsess over them and by God I will not let that keep me from eating a brownie!! Especially the cheese cake brownie one of my co-workers shared with me yesterday.