You & Me

Hello my blogger readers :) I am having one of those “moments”, one of those I have something muy importante going on and my first reaction is to close up, shut down. In January I made the decision to change the format of my blog from sharing my running and weight loss to sharing with you my daily crazy life. I promised to share more and I’ve tried to do just that. It’s easy when things are fun and exciting and we are just goofing around but I am out of my comfort zone when it comes to the dig deep and share with you what’s really going on. {insert deep breath here}

For Spring Break my little family is planning an awesome trip from Seattle down to Sacramento. We are so excited because we have never been to the west coast. We are more excited because the biggest part of our trip consist of a three day stop in Portland Oregon, to visit what is most likely where Chris will be going to school next fall.

The most asked question in the past week –“Uh-oh momma are you ready for that?”

My answer is indisputably “yes.” I get in return a blank stare or the “yeah right” look. Trust me I will more than likely want to fall apart the minute I leave Chris in Portland and I have no idea what it’s like to even be me without Chris. For those of you who don’t know my story, I’ve been a mom to Chris at this point in my life longer than anything else I have ever done or ever have been. I became a mommy at 17 years old, which be it crazy and not something I recommend, I wouldn’t change it for anything in the whole world. If offered to go back in time – knowing what I know now – I would do it all over again as long as it means that “Titan” “kiddo” “Gigantor” “Christian” would be my son and I would have the amazing experience and the honor of raising him.

Early on just like most parents I wanted to make sure that Chris would do more and be more than I ever have. I’ve told him to fly. Chris is a free spirit an old soul, if you know him you know. He has struggled with the fact that he was never quite sure about what he wanted to study or maybe he did, he just didn’t realize it was an option. I’ve told him to be himself, to do something that he loves and not be afraid if it didn’t fit the mold or if it didn't match what everyone else around him was doing at the time. He has a love for photography and not in a family portrait kind of way. He sees photography as a complex art form and he wants to pursue that passion. 

Around the time I meet my husband I fell in love with a song from the Dave Matthews Band “You & Me” and it was the song not just because it was a love a song but because I felt Jose and I believed this song truly before we had Hailey.  My husband was ready to join me and help me teach Chris to “fly” from the very beginning.

Am I ready for Chris to go to Portland this fall, yes I am, you see I’ve told my son to fly all his life and I can’t clip his wings now. What will I do while he is away? Well I guess God planned that out long ago because I have this crazy 6 year old spunky little girl and her flying lessons are daily. 

New Beginnings - Part One

This is what happens when I don’t post in a really really really long time – you get a two part post! HA!

This is what a silly little Pre-K Grad looks like!

So much going on lately my mind has been in over drive and my emotions have been scattered but like many say “there is a clam after the storm” My “storm” isn’t over but this is a good storm, this is a- I could sit outside on my porch on hot summer day and watch the clouds roll in, feel the breeze pick up and wait for rain to start as the sky lights up with that deep in the clouds lightning show kinda storm.

I have a 5yr old little girl finally moving on from daycare to elementary school to start kindergarten, just in time to have my 18yr old boy graduate from high school. Can you say double gulp? Can you say emotional?

If you know me personally you might have guessed by now that I do not very often show my emotions outwardly believe it or not I can very much be an introvert in many many ways – this gets confused with being tough all.the.time which might also hold some truth to it except when my babies are concerned.

Whether you like the little ones having an all-out “Graduation” or not, the simple truth is that all I care about is that she is excited (right now) about going to her big girl school. The ceremony was cute and the memories are awesome. The kids in Hailey’s class have for the most part been with her since she was 1 ½ and they are so close and adorable together. They have been in the same daycare, in the same classrooms, down the same hall of this little building for 4 years. In August she will be going to an elementary school that swallows up her little daycare in one gulp.  

My whole world right here... 

Hailey Bear has come a long way… in August of 2011 I enrolled Hailey Bear into Kids R Kids and I swear for a whole month she cried every.day. I got to the point where I told my husband that I was going to quit my new job I couldn’t handle it. Every day I picked up Hailey, as soon as she saw me she burst into tears, not a "I’m so happy to see you tears", no, they were little miserable tears and pudgy hands reaching up to me – her  little tiny self, burying she face into my chest day after day.  The following week I told myself if it didn’t change I would quit (and I really would have) and then somehow one day that week I came to pick her up and she smiled. A little "Hi I was getting worried there for a second kinda smile" BUT it was a smile. To this day I pick up my little bear and she squeals Mommy! And runs full speed at me and I catch her in my arms. Yes this happens every.day. All I can think about is how one day she will ask me not to hug her or kiss her in front of her friends - my heart will ache. 

Class of 2015

This Saturday Chris will walk across a stage I’ve never seen myself. A stage that has been part of a goal for years… oh about 18 years to be on point. I am overwhelmingly proud of him, if you know my Christian you know he is a good kid, he has a good heart, he loves deeply and has matured in this ah-inspiring way that draws people to him to find comfort and acceptance.  He is not just a good kid, he is an amazing kid, and he is my kid.  
Can you hear the thunder? 

Goodbye November...

It used to be that February was the month of choice for me, being my birth month I would expect the greatest most life altering moments to occur in that month.  Sounds silly but it was almost a romantic notion for me, I could go down a list of things I would tell myself must be accomplished in February.  When I first started running I wanted to make sure that I could and would run 3.1 miles by my 34^th birthday, and I did, it wasn’t pretty and I was as slower than a heard of turtles stamping through peanut butter but I ran!  

Truth is that there is no magical power surrounding my birth month, no, I am a firm believer that things will happen in God’s timing not my own. With that being said I wanted to give a quick re-cap of my November 2014 – it’s not all running related or is it? For me running grounds me and helps me cope with all other crazy in my life.

November 4^th – my son (my baby) the first little guy that made me fall head over heal in love turned  18. Although I have nicknamed him “Gigantor” around the house because, let’s face it, he is bigger and taller than anyone else in our house…or anyone that visits our house…he is taller than his father, his uncles and to put things more simply we are all VERY short- he will always be my baby! This is his senior year and life is just way too harsh to let time fly by me the way it has been these past months and years.

November 16^th – I ran my second half marathon. I finished the “bridge series” with this run and gained a bond with my running girls that make us stronger together; although we run each race at our own pace we are never alone. I came to a deeper understanding of this during that cold and wet 13.1 miles where along the way we realized that knowing that the other was out there runnning the same race and waiting for each other at the finish is one of the best ever feelings a runner can have.

November 24^th- my little bear turned 5, and I still can’t wrap my head around the quickness of these years. At 5 years old she walks around and will suddenly move or act in such a way that catches my breath because I can see a glimpse of her older self.  Knowing that she is growing up in the culture that we are surrounded by today makes me think… many more miles will have to be run through  the upcoming years if I am to keep sane and clear headed to keep up with this sassy little one.

Of course – November 27^th – We had Thanksgiving in our home and although in my family probably slightly more than others consist of family that was born family and family that is chosen family, somehow this year it rang more true and more vivid than it has in the past. I am so very Thankful for that!

November 30^th – on the morning of the 30^th I ran 10 miles with my sole sister, Cindy, and I was grateful to have her by my side. Would it be too much to say that for a brief moment I thought she might not run with us again?  Running and training is mostly done alone… opening us to a floodgate of emotions and time alone to process those emotions… I am happier than ever to have her running again – 13.1 here we come!

Oh but there is more… November 30, 2014- my mother was married that evening. If you know anything about me personally then you know my mom and you might cringe or giggle or both at the thought of coming across her. She is strong willed; she speaks her mind and is very independent. Although she was a single mom, that didn’t speak English, she is proud owner of her own home, her own car (s) throughout the years), and much more than that her own life. Not letting limitations limit her. Not allowing society to dictate what or when she did and how she overcame.  My mom and I are not always on the same page but I attribute that to the simple fact that we are very much alike :)

That being said. Good luck to her husband!! LOL just kidding. I do wish them both much happiness, and years of love and a future that will envelope them in blessings.

Stress Points

Running is my hash it out with myself time, my hash it out with my mind and crazy thoughts – time.  Running has become something I need to do, not just what I want to do. Yes I want to run, for my health to help me lose weight, I want to run because of what running has enabled me to do, the places it takes me {literally} and who it has shaped me to be over the past year.

I need to run. I have always wanted to run but I was too out of shape to run, I haven’t been always very overweight, even when I was of the lighter fare, I wanted to run. If you know me from years back, especially my teenage years, you know that I can at times, maybe, possibly have a bit of a temper on me. {Insert Jokes Here: Haha} I have been a little bit more calm in the past few years, yes this what I call clam :) . It takes a lot more to get me to the point of wanting to snap someone’s head off (so to speak), or sometimes just one really BIG stupid thing, sometimes. Anyway, I remember getting angry when I was younger and just leaving, just running till I lost my breath, and then I’d walk until I was ready to head back. Crazy isn’t it?

Years later, also known as today I started running because it was a last ditch effort chance for me to do something about my health and weight. It’s worked, weight has been lost and health has improved greatly, but there has been so much more to it than that. I am more comfortable with my self today than in a very long time, I feel like I can take on so much more life than I could before. AND on days when it feels like everything has gone wrong or in a period of time when things are just not panning out, a run makes the difference. I can breathe easier after run, my thoughts are more clear and there is something about conquering a long run in the heat of summer that make me feel invincible.

I’ve had a couple of stressful weeks here and there as of late, nothing too bad, but again for me (and my ahem temper), and being a mom of a senior (gulp) and a spunky 4 year old (going on sassy-teen) and the whole household thing this momma needs a run. I need to pound the pavement, I need to be out there when the sun is breaking through that Texas sky and I need to be out there and get drenched in sweat. Still sounds crazy hu? It’s not, but it is cheaper than therapy :) or so I’ve heard!

Big City vs Small Town...

Today I went to visit a house, this house is on a back road made of broken up concert. It is an old ranch style home and sits on a beautiful lot of land, maybe an acre or so of land. When we drove up to the house we parked all the way up the driveway and walked around the back of the home and came in an open screen door. I love this house, It made me want to make sweet tea and sit out back under the covered porch and watch Hailey and Christian play football. All of this is neither here nor there. I came to this house to pay my respect to a family who has just lost their son.

I came to work in Alvin TX, about a month ago and although I’ve been meaning to write about the drastic difference between working here and working in the city, I’m writing about it now from a completely different point of view. Soon after working here I learned that my co-worker lost her daughter a little over a year ago, she was a young and beautiful and left behind two even more beautiful children for their grandmother to take care of. Ever since then I’ve tried and tried to wrap my head around the thought of losing my son and I can’t even bear it. I can’t imagine what something like that would feel like.

I work at the “Bus Barn” for the Alvin ISD, as a payroll clerk, and here there are about 200 people who work here and live in this small town and they all know each other in some way shape or form. There is gossip galore and secrets that most know about anyway. But here in this small town very little differs from the “Big City”, my eyes have been open and the idea that you could somehow move away from everything bad and move your family into a good neighborhood, or a better city, is lost.  Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of love here too. Our break room have filled up with every kind of home cooked and baked yummy you can imagine this morning for the grieving family. Everyone has come together and in the house I went to visit, there were ladies that although not close friends of their co-worked who has lost her son, are there busy in her kitchen making sure that the family will come home to find that everything has been taken care of. It’s amazing.

What has me as a mom even more taken back though is the cause. I don’t feel as though I purposely moved, trying to escape the bad things that can hurt a family. Things just worked out that way. I do feel better that my kids will not be a part of the same things that I was when I was younger. Apparently there is no way around some of it. Since here I’ve learned of two deaths by overdose and a young man whose drug (alcohol) wreaked havoc on him internally causing a very horrible and painful death. My heart goes out to these mommas, having to watch as your baby that you have known better than he or she knows their self and slowly feel as though you don’t know them at all. I watch Christian on the field and see that kid fill of life and future and happiness, I see him there and can imagine everything good that can come his way. I try not to think of all the bad that can cut him short. I pray for those things to keep their distance. AND I talk to him all the time about these things. I talk to him about his future, his life, his youth, his dreams, his faith, his friends, his relationships, his peers, drugs, sex.  I don't know the answer to it all but I'm here and we talk and I learn and get to know him everyday and all the ways that he changes and grows and I pray that I'm doing something right.